After the devastating disclosure of infidelity, intense emotions and recurrent crises are the norm. The good news, however, is that the majority of relationships not only survive infidelity, but marriage and family therapists have observed that many marriages can become stronger and more intimate after couples therapy.
Infidelity is one of the most common presenting problems for marriage and family therapists. It is devastating to relationships and can be one of the more difficult problems to treat. While the majority of couples disapprove of infidelity, some national surveys indicate that 15% of women and 25% of men have experienced intercourse outside of their long-term relationship. And, by including emotional and sexual intimacies without intercourse, these percentages increase by 20%.
During the initial assessment a marriage and family therapist will help the couple clarifying the purpose of treatment by externalizing the options. After an affair, couples who want to rebuild their relationship need to resolve any ambivalence about staying in the relationship, or work toward separating in a constructive way. One partner may want to reconcile while the other is still ambivalent or has decided to leave. Either way, painful emotions will get activated inside and outside of the therapy room. The injured partner feels angry while the involved partner commonly struggles with feelings of shame and guilt.
Most family therapists work with the couple together as the primary approach. However, in cases of an ambivalent or a severely agitated partner, the therapist may suggest some individual therapy sessions. Treatment can be confusing and difficult for couples, and the manner in which couples recover or uncouple after an affair depends on various factors including each partner’s commitment to healing the relationship, cultural values and norms, and the impact on children should they disband the relationship.
When working with infidelity therapists often use an integrative approach best suited to the couple. There are a number of modalities such as experiential and emotion focused therapy that a therapist can use when treating infidelity. Regardless of the theoretical preference guiding the recovery process treatment is rooted in a common ground approach that emphasizes safety and forgiveness.
In the initial stages of therapy, the primary task is to establish safely and address painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. In essence, the therapist needs to manage and stabilize the emotional reaction to the affair, and also get a clear picture of the circumstances surrounding the affair.
Once safety has been established and emotions aren’t as high, the therapist will ascertain what made the affair possible. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the infidelity and telling the story of the affair allow couples to move toward the final phase of therapy— forgiveness. Successful outcomes are closely linked to the development of empathy and hope in each partner— one of mutual exploration with a compassionate process.
Establishing and maintaining safety is a crucial part of treatment. Recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse. All personal discussions, coffee breaks and phone calls must also be stopped. When the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business, and necessary or unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust.
Telling the story of the affair is not easy for either partner. A guiding principle is how information will enhance healing. The injured partner may engage in a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness, which never promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. The initial discussions commonly resemble the adversarial interaction between a detective and a criminal. Simple facts such as who, what, where and when can be answered during the early stage of therapy to relieve some of the pressure for information. It is preferable to delay complex questions about motivations and explicit details about sexual intimacy until the process itself is more healing. The disclosure process evolves in therapy from a truth-seeking inquisition to the neutral process of information seeking – similar to a journalist and an interviewee.